One of the reasons I get nasty at this time of year isn't the lack of daylight. It isn't the cold weather or even the increased danger of driving on slippery roads; it's Christmas Lists. I try to be a conciencious list maker and I even go as far as to keep a perpetual list of good ideas stowed away in my computer for people who insist on getting a list of ideas from me. I grudgingly supply a list even though I truly despise having to make a list at all. Let me tell you why:
IT'S NOT ABOUT MATERIAL THINGS
First and foremost, I don't care if I get a gift or not. This goes for any gift giving time from anniversarys to birthdays to the biggest gift scam there is Christmas. If you truly feel compelled to get me something, thank you, I will cherish it. I should put a caveat on that; I'll cherish it if I possibly can. We've all gotten those gifts that make you shake your head when you are alone and sure nobody is watching. People were asking me what Gwenivere wanted for this holiday season and so I started asking her. Now she rambles off this gigantic list of unreasonable items. I wonder if my asking has sent her the wrong message about the season. Lately, we have had a lot of talks about charity and greed to compensate.
HERE'S WHAT THE HOSTAGE TAKERS HAVE DEMANDED
I find the concept of having a list of items that I desire to have other people aquire for me utterly repugnant. The existence of my list makes me feel like a hostage taker sending out my demands to ensure I get what's coming to me. It seems pushy to limit people to select items that you could think of at the time or of a dollar amount you find appropriate. I wonder if the list I give is too daunting, or not specific enough, or too specific. What is a great idea for some buyers is a nightmare to others. How many lists do I need to have?
HAVE ONE MORE ON ME
I also despise giving out a thoughtful list and getting someone's 'list' of one item that is often so generic it could be regifted or is most likely going to be given to them by four others. I could never have guessed that you would like that DVD of the block buster movie of the year just like everyone else. I guess that's why there are 70,000,000 copies at the front door of Best Buy. Really, if your list has one item, technically it isn't a list, it's just an item. Thanks for giving that idea of seventeen other people too. The flip side is also as insane to me. I roll my eyes at the one item list that clearly contains something far too difficult to find or way too expensive to afford. I've seen this very list before: item one - snowblower. Thanks asshole! I guess you are going to get a ceramic santa that looks either drunk or insane as punishment for that list.
ERRMMM THANKS....
Why should I make a list if you aren't going to use it. Sometimes I receive a gift and I think "Is this really what people think I like?" often followed by either "man this person really doesn't know who I am" or "boy am I sending out the wrong signals." I wonder if people just like to hear lists and then go out and buy what they would like instead. I never ask for clothes. Clothes have to fit and feel right in order for me to wear them. Nobody likes having someone buy them the XL when they are a M or vice versa. If you can't tell what material texture will drive someone batty don't risk it and buy them those wool G-strings. I can't tell what size or colour is going to be awesome when I shop for myself, how could you do any better and how could I do any better guessing for you?
$ KA-CHING $
Another of my peeves brought out by the list and list making is the dollar amount. I tend to only put items on a list I think would be in the reasonable price range. Yes, I would love to have a new 25 yard skirt but it is $95 dollars and I don't need anyone spending that kind of dough on me that would require me to give them any ideas on what I like. Still we run into the over-spenders who tend to hog several great ideas on the list to meet their reasonable expense range for a gift. Price limits are like speed limits, you can stay under them, the point is not to exceed them. I would be much happier during the holidays if everyone bought only one small item instead of four small items, and stocking stuffers, and gifts from Santa to adults (do you really have to give a 33 year old a gift from Santa? How many times to I have to curse to be considered naughty and get this to stop) etc. etc. etc. It all adds up to one thing. Overkill. Just because you buy more stuff doesn't mean that you love more than anyone else or you will be loved more. In fact you could be causing people like me a huge amount of distress. In the same line of thought, don't get snippy if you spent 300$ and I spent 40$ when the gift dollar parameters were set at 40-60$.
F'ED OVER AT THE RANDOM GIFT EXCHANGE
The worst contender by far is the work/social/secret santa gift exchanges. We're all adults. You don't need a present at work the same dollar amount and size as everyone else to feel okay about yourself, do you? Why do we do these things? I only met Ed from IT once when the new software came in, how the hell should I know what to get him. Maybe Ed is into S&M on the weekends, maybe he's a cage fighter, maybe he loves baking vegan breads in his spare time, I really don't know the guy. What the hell can I give him that isn't a complete waste of his time to even unwrap. Every single person in the world has felt totally ripped off at one of these exchanges when you get something so useless or cheap that you just can't bear it. I know someone who got a 'farting pen' in a gift exchange after buying a nice quality bottle of Scotch. Wow, I'm still reeling from that one. I've sent on a few Santa neckties or elf snow globes to Goodwill after these types of exchanges.
The Stealing gift exchange is just plain mean. The only people who enjoy these are the schemers and the double dealers who bought those shitty gifts or are regifting and waiting around for the three good gifts to come up so they can cheat everyone else out of something nice. There, I said it. In my opinion everyone should submit their gifts unwrapped. Everyone participating in the exchange gets to rank the submitted gifts and the person who Brought the most awesome gift, as voted on by their peers, gets to pick from the pile first. That way these schemer people can take their microwave bacon cooker or their musical elf door knocker or something equally unpalateable home with them instead of the bottle of Disaronno everyone else wanted to have a crack at.
IT'S NEVER TRULY THE END
Here's my final plea to the List Demanders out there. Treat your lists wisely. Don't over spend. Think of something nice on your own. Try out a giftless guiltless holiday season. Give what is really needed: time together, love, understanding, or if you must, something really special from one person to another.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Seesaw Versus Sea Saw
I've been thinking about balance quite a lot lately. Whenever I start to experience a change in the seasons, I suddenly feel compelled to take stock of my mental and emotional state.
Balance is something that we seem to be ever questing for but never seem to attain. We strive for the balanced diet, a balanced budget, balancing work and home life and the list continues. It strikes me how much frustration we experience when we percieve that there isn't balance and how we struggle to push the tides one way or another. I have been thinking about whether or not it's actually this quest for balance that causes us so much anguish. I've been looking to nature for examples of how it balances. The shocking thing I have been noticing is that there never seems to be any balance anywhere. The prevailing system that seems to work is an ebb and flow. It seems that all of nature is gently swinging from it's one tolerable extreme to another and gently back again. I am starting to think that this may just be the model to ease frustrations.
The seasons move from the heat of summer through the cold of winter. During that time all of nature prepares for each of the extremes instead of railing against the changes. The tides are the oceans dance of gravitational pull with the moon. Predator and prey cycles ebb and flow with times of diversity to times of scarcity. Even birthing has a wave cycle to it of hormones etc. The only constant in any of the systems is change. Change isn't always what we consider progress either. The change is along a gradient in both directions; it's cyclical, it's wave-like.
For some reason we seem to embrace change in only one direction, never both directions. We are always questing to have more money, more food, more spare time, more leisure time. Emotionally, we are questing for happiness, peace, serenity, joy while simultaneously fighting all negative thoughts, sadness, turmoil and pains in our life. We are looking for the constant balance in our marriage, everyone contributing equally to the home and equally to the income. Every child gets the same ammount of attention and all family members get the same amount of time with extra curricular activities. It seems that the model we have grown up with is that life is only worth while or has value if change is non-existent or in one direction only.
I think the new model for me is going to be the ocean instead of a balancing act. Our family unit seems to work best when things continue to change back and forth along a gradient depending on factors beyond our control. I imagine our life now as a waltz with factors that we do and don't understand as our partners. Our budget changes every month but the yearly pattern is surprisingly predictable. Our time that we can devote to, or bear to spend with, eachother and other activities moves along a gradient but doesn't seem frustrating at either extreme when we know that it will soon move back along the line in the other direction.
I'm interested in trying this new social experiment and seeing if I live less frustrated in the times to come.
Balance is something that we seem to be ever questing for but never seem to attain. We strive for the balanced diet, a balanced budget, balancing work and home life and the list continues. It strikes me how much frustration we experience when we percieve that there isn't balance and how we struggle to push the tides one way or another. I have been thinking about whether or not it's actually this quest for balance that causes us so much anguish. I've been looking to nature for examples of how it balances. The shocking thing I have been noticing is that there never seems to be any balance anywhere. The prevailing system that seems to work is an ebb and flow. It seems that all of nature is gently swinging from it's one tolerable extreme to another and gently back again. I am starting to think that this may just be the model to ease frustrations.
The seasons move from the heat of summer through the cold of winter. During that time all of nature prepares for each of the extremes instead of railing against the changes. The tides are the oceans dance of gravitational pull with the moon. Predator and prey cycles ebb and flow with times of diversity to times of scarcity. Even birthing has a wave cycle to it of hormones etc. The only constant in any of the systems is change. Change isn't always what we consider progress either. The change is along a gradient in both directions; it's cyclical, it's wave-like.
For some reason we seem to embrace change in only one direction, never both directions. We are always questing to have more money, more food, more spare time, more leisure time. Emotionally, we are questing for happiness, peace, serenity, joy while simultaneously fighting all negative thoughts, sadness, turmoil and pains in our life. We are looking for the constant balance in our marriage, everyone contributing equally to the home and equally to the income. Every child gets the same ammount of attention and all family members get the same amount of time with extra curricular activities. It seems that the model we have grown up with is that life is only worth while or has value if change is non-existent or in one direction only.
I think the new model for me is going to be the ocean instead of a balancing act. Our family unit seems to work best when things continue to change back and forth along a gradient depending on factors beyond our control. I imagine our life now as a waltz with factors that we do and don't understand as our partners. Our budget changes every month but the yearly pattern is surprisingly predictable. Our time that we can devote to, or bear to spend with, eachother and other activities moves along a gradient but doesn't seem frustrating at either extreme when we know that it will soon move back along the line in the other direction.
I'm interested in trying this new social experiment and seeing if I live less frustrated in the times to come.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Coming to Terms With Something Wonderful
Coming to Terms With Something Wonderful- a look in my mind after a peek in the uterus
We had the ultrasound visit yesterday (September 23.) I have always been keen to know who exactly was going to be joining the family. I also am a firm believer that finding out the gender, if possible, is something better handled now instead of during the birthing process. I validated my desire to know if it was either Shea or Hazel that I would be refering to for the next half of this pregnancy. Let me tell you why.
As I looked up at the screen and saw a little penis that let us know that we were expecting a little boy, a gigantic tsunami of different emotions came flooding into and out of my conciousness. Quite frankly, most of the emotions were not positive. This is deffinately not the swirling bag of mixed emotions that I would love to introduce one of the most important people in my life into. I am truly grateful to have the opportunity to work through these before I start putting a 'hair shirt' on both my children.
Let me get this out of the way right now. I am very happy to be having a healthy and happy baby boy on the way. I`d be much happier with an ungulate that could walk around and graze an hour or two after birth. No seriously, I am so happy to have a healthy baby on the way. I cried when I saw a straight little spine, a healthy heart, a healthy skeleton. I cried for 2 minutes uncontrolably when I found out the baby was the perfect size and shape for the gestation time. This was the greatest gift ever for me. I felt nearly nothing when I saw it was a boy. It was more matter of fact to see a penis than it was to see Shea swallow and suck a thumb.
What I am not happy about is the onslaught of gender, equality, and social expectations and assumptions that I am now dealing with. It is not only other people's assumtions etc. that I am working through, it's my own also. I am still shocked at how strongly I feel about most of the topics I am about to delve into, especially when they appear to be so trivial to nearly everyone who has spoken to me since the ultrasound.
THE VALUE OF MALE: I have been overwhelmed at how many times I have heard this comment "I bet you are hoping for a boy." This was prevalent even for the first child, it's nearly overpowering now that I have my daughter and a second child is on the way. There seems to be, even if it's subconcious, a massive societal desire for males. I have heard the common tripe about passing on the family name, having a balance in the family unit, producing an heir, and also the less common 'it's someone for my husband to identify with' arguements. I have had countless people call, facebook, e-mail and send well wishes about the impending arrival of our son, even more so than when there was no gender assigned. What strikes me is that I never recieved any commentary about the joy of having a girl when we announced Gwenivere's gender at 20 weeks during my pregnancy with her. Not one "yay" or "hurray for girls" or "wow I bet you are relieved it's a girl" and yet I have recieved more than ten gender specific well wishes in under two hours of announcement. What does this say to me as a woman? What does this say to the girls of the world? Most importantly to me, what does this say to my daughter? Was she just the warmup for the male Ingram to come along? Will she now be treated as less valulable by other people now that there is a boy on the scene?
GENDER OF EQUALITY: I will be treating my children differently, they are two different individuals. I wonder how much gender will play a role in my assesment of their differences. I am already lamenting the fact that I kept all of my favourite dresses and frilly little frocks of Gwenivere's for the second child. I am also dreading the shopping for an entirely new wardrobe for someone who will grow faster than bamboo. Would I have the tencacity to dress Shea in the Snow White costume if that's what he choses? I think so. Would I have the tenacity to withstand the onslaught of comments from others if Shea choses the Snow White costume? I just don't know. Gwen gets to wear anything she really likes, there is no gender association in her clothes, she likes orange that's about the only preference I've seen so far. Will Shea get the opportunity to shop in both sections of Children's Place? Will I refuse to buy him jeans with sparkles or flower appliques? I am worried that Shea might never have the range of socially acceptable activities that Gwen will get. I am going to campaign to let him get to go to 'princess parties' or do anything else he wishes to do. I wonder how much of struggle he'll have. Will Sheamus feel as comfortable sharing his feelings, crying, or being sensitive around anyone else but me? How much pressure will we put on him to be manly? I'm nervous we'll all shut some doors for him that he'll never even know could have been open.
IT`S A FAMILY NOT A SEESAW: It's spectacular to see the look on people's faces when I say " I was hoping for a girl." I often get "well you have one of those already" in a nervous and often puzzled voice that I often associate with phrases like "back away slowly from the picnic table there is a bear under it." What is the obsession with one of each? This is the most shocking assumption I think every pregnant with the second child woman goes through. An astounding majority of people assume that because you have had one child that you wish for the other gender of child more than anything else. I`m over thirty so the risks of having a non-healthy child grow with each passing year. I`ll be glad to welcome whomever comes along at this point. The most disturbing thing I was asked was `would I keep the fetus if it was another girl?` I haven`t spoke to that person since. I wonder how many people think it but don`t say it. I wonder how closely Gwen and Sheamus will be with the differences that other people will see in them. Gwenivere is already learning some unpleasant habbits from social interactions with older children, teasing, taunting etc. I wonder how much she`ll pick up from people we know when her `hyper-sensitive, way to neurotic` mother isn`t around and people can finally say and act the way they really want to. Not one person has said `will you keep trying for more?` to me even though I have heard this said to many other women who have had two children of the same gender. There was the almost knee jerk assumption that one child wasn`t good enough and asked when the next one was on it`s way. The prevalence I have heard those two phrases, especially while carrying a baby or holding a newborn really hammers home our society`s desire for at least one of each gender.
I know most people are just wishing well, saying a joke, or just saying something because they feel compelled to say anything and that`s all they can think of. Still, most of it sounds like a big assed backhanded compliment to me. Just say `hurray for healthy`to me. I appreciate that for sure!
P.S. I`m not going to have him circumsized just because his daddy is. You can put that in your big ol`pipe and smoke it!
We had the ultrasound visit yesterday (September 23.) I have always been keen to know who exactly was going to be joining the family. I also am a firm believer that finding out the gender, if possible, is something better handled now instead of during the birthing process. I validated my desire to know if it was either Shea or Hazel that I would be refering to for the next half of this pregnancy. Let me tell you why.
As I looked up at the screen and saw a little penis that let us know that we were expecting a little boy, a gigantic tsunami of different emotions came flooding into and out of my conciousness. Quite frankly, most of the emotions were not positive. This is deffinately not the swirling bag of mixed emotions that I would love to introduce one of the most important people in my life into. I am truly grateful to have the opportunity to work through these before I start putting a 'hair shirt' on both my children.
Let me get this out of the way right now. I am very happy to be having a healthy and happy baby boy on the way. I`d be much happier with an ungulate that could walk around and graze an hour or two after birth. No seriously, I am so happy to have a healthy baby on the way. I cried when I saw a straight little spine, a healthy heart, a healthy skeleton. I cried for 2 minutes uncontrolably when I found out the baby was the perfect size and shape for the gestation time. This was the greatest gift ever for me. I felt nearly nothing when I saw it was a boy. It was more matter of fact to see a penis than it was to see Shea swallow and suck a thumb.
What I am not happy about is the onslaught of gender, equality, and social expectations and assumptions that I am now dealing with. It is not only other people's assumtions etc. that I am working through, it's my own also. I am still shocked at how strongly I feel about most of the topics I am about to delve into, especially when they appear to be so trivial to nearly everyone who has spoken to me since the ultrasound.
THE VALUE OF MALE: I have been overwhelmed at how many times I have heard this comment "I bet you are hoping for a boy." This was prevalent even for the first child, it's nearly overpowering now that I have my daughter and a second child is on the way. There seems to be, even if it's subconcious, a massive societal desire for males. I have heard the common tripe about passing on the family name, having a balance in the family unit, producing an heir, and also the less common 'it's someone for my husband to identify with' arguements. I have had countless people call, facebook, e-mail and send well wishes about the impending arrival of our son, even more so than when there was no gender assigned. What strikes me is that I never recieved any commentary about the joy of having a girl when we announced Gwenivere's gender at 20 weeks during my pregnancy with her. Not one "yay" or "hurray for girls" or "wow I bet you are relieved it's a girl" and yet I have recieved more than ten gender specific well wishes in under two hours of announcement. What does this say to me as a woman? What does this say to the girls of the world? Most importantly to me, what does this say to my daughter? Was she just the warmup for the male Ingram to come along? Will she now be treated as less valulable by other people now that there is a boy on the scene?
GENDER OF EQUALITY: I will be treating my children differently, they are two different individuals. I wonder how much gender will play a role in my assesment of their differences. I am already lamenting the fact that I kept all of my favourite dresses and frilly little frocks of Gwenivere's for the second child. I am also dreading the shopping for an entirely new wardrobe for someone who will grow faster than bamboo. Would I have the tencacity to dress Shea in the Snow White costume if that's what he choses? I think so. Would I have the tenacity to withstand the onslaught of comments from others if Shea choses the Snow White costume? I just don't know. Gwen gets to wear anything she really likes, there is no gender association in her clothes, she likes orange that's about the only preference I've seen so far. Will Shea get the opportunity to shop in both sections of Children's Place? Will I refuse to buy him jeans with sparkles or flower appliques? I am worried that Shea might never have the range of socially acceptable activities that Gwen will get. I am going to campaign to let him get to go to 'princess parties' or do anything else he wishes to do. I wonder how much of struggle he'll have. Will Sheamus feel as comfortable sharing his feelings, crying, or being sensitive around anyone else but me? How much pressure will we put on him to be manly? I'm nervous we'll all shut some doors for him that he'll never even know could have been open.
IT`S A FAMILY NOT A SEESAW: It's spectacular to see the look on people's faces when I say " I was hoping for a girl." I often get "well you have one of those already" in a nervous and often puzzled voice that I often associate with phrases like "back away slowly from the picnic table there is a bear under it." What is the obsession with one of each? This is the most shocking assumption I think every pregnant with the second child woman goes through. An astounding majority of people assume that because you have had one child that you wish for the other gender of child more than anything else. I`m over thirty so the risks of having a non-healthy child grow with each passing year. I`ll be glad to welcome whomever comes along at this point. The most disturbing thing I was asked was `would I keep the fetus if it was another girl?` I haven`t spoke to that person since. I wonder how many people think it but don`t say it. I wonder how closely Gwen and Sheamus will be with the differences that other people will see in them. Gwenivere is already learning some unpleasant habbits from social interactions with older children, teasing, taunting etc. I wonder how much she`ll pick up from people we know when her `hyper-sensitive, way to neurotic` mother isn`t around and people can finally say and act the way they really want to. Not one person has said `will you keep trying for more?` to me even though I have heard this said to many other women who have had two children of the same gender. There was the almost knee jerk assumption that one child wasn`t good enough and asked when the next one was on it`s way. The prevalence I have heard those two phrases, especially while carrying a baby or holding a newborn really hammers home our society`s desire for at least one of each gender.
I know most people are just wishing well, saying a joke, or just saying something because they feel compelled to say anything and that`s all they can think of. Still, most of it sounds like a big assed backhanded compliment to me. Just say `hurray for healthy`to me. I appreciate that for sure!
P.S. I`m not going to have him circumsized just because his daddy is. You can put that in your big ol`pipe and smoke it!
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