One of the reasons I get nasty at this time of year isn't the lack of daylight. It isn't the cold weather or even the increased danger of driving on slippery roads; it's Christmas Lists. I try to be a conciencious list maker and I even go as far as to keep a perpetual list of good ideas stowed away in my computer for people who insist on getting a list of ideas from me. I grudgingly supply a list even though I truly despise having to make a list at all. Let me tell you why:
IT'S NOT ABOUT MATERIAL THINGS
First and foremost, I don't care if I get a gift or not. This goes for any gift giving time from anniversarys to birthdays to the biggest gift scam there is Christmas. If you truly feel compelled to get me something, thank you, I will cherish it. I should put a caveat on that; I'll cherish it if I possibly can. We've all gotten those gifts that make you shake your head when you are alone and sure nobody is watching. People were asking me what Gwenivere wanted for this holiday season and so I started asking her. Now she rambles off this gigantic list of unreasonable items. I wonder if my asking has sent her the wrong message about the season. Lately, we have had a lot of talks about charity and greed to compensate.
HERE'S WHAT THE HOSTAGE TAKERS HAVE DEMANDED
I find the concept of having a list of items that I desire to have other people aquire for me utterly repugnant. The existence of my list makes me feel like a hostage taker sending out my demands to ensure I get what's coming to me. It seems pushy to limit people to select items that you could think of at the time or of a dollar amount you find appropriate. I wonder if the list I give is too daunting, or not specific enough, or too specific. What is a great idea for some buyers is a nightmare to others. How many lists do I need to have?
HAVE ONE MORE ON ME
I also despise giving out a thoughtful list and getting someone's 'list' of one item that is often so generic it could be regifted or is most likely going to be given to them by four others. I could never have guessed that you would like that DVD of the block buster movie of the year just like everyone else. I guess that's why there are 70,000,000 copies at the front door of Best Buy. Really, if your list has one item, technically it isn't a list, it's just an item. Thanks for giving that idea of seventeen other people too. The flip side is also as insane to me. I roll my eyes at the one item list that clearly contains something far too difficult to find or way too expensive to afford. I've seen this very list before: item one - snowblower. Thanks asshole! I guess you are going to get a ceramic santa that looks either drunk or insane as punishment for that list.
ERRMMM THANKS....
Why should I make a list if you aren't going to use it. Sometimes I receive a gift and I think "Is this really what people think I like?" often followed by either "man this person really doesn't know who I am" or "boy am I sending out the wrong signals." I wonder if people just like to hear lists and then go out and buy what they would like instead. I never ask for clothes. Clothes have to fit and feel right in order for me to wear them. Nobody likes having someone buy them the XL when they are a M or vice versa. If you can't tell what material texture will drive someone batty don't risk it and buy them those wool G-strings. I can't tell what size or colour is going to be awesome when I shop for myself, how could you do any better and how could I do any better guessing for you?
$ KA-CHING $
Another of my peeves brought out by the list and list making is the dollar amount. I tend to only put items on a list I think would be in the reasonable price range. Yes, I would love to have a new 25 yard skirt but it is $95 dollars and I don't need anyone spending that kind of dough on me that would require me to give them any ideas on what I like. Still we run into the over-spenders who tend to hog several great ideas on the list to meet their reasonable expense range for a gift. Price limits are like speed limits, you can stay under them, the point is not to exceed them. I would be much happier during the holidays if everyone bought only one small item instead of four small items, and stocking stuffers, and gifts from Santa to adults (do you really have to give a 33 year old a gift from Santa? How many times to I have to curse to be considered naughty and get this to stop) etc. etc. etc. It all adds up to one thing. Overkill. Just because you buy more stuff doesn't mean that you love more than anyone else or you will be loved more. In fact you could be causing people like me a huge amount of distress. In the same line of thought, don't get snippy if you spent 300$ and I spent 40$ when the gift dollar parameters were set at 40-60$.
F'ED OVER AT THE RANDOM GIFT EXCHANGE
The worst contender by far is the work/social/secret santa gift exchanges. We're all adults. You don't need a present at work the same dollar amount and size as everyone else to feel okay about yourself, do you? Why do we do these things? I only met Ed from IT once when the new software came in, how the hell should I know what to get him. Maybe Ed is into S&M on the weekends, maybe he's a cage fighter, maybe he loves baking vegan breads in his spare time, I really don't know the guy. What the hell can I give him that isn't a complete waste of his time to even unwrap. Every single person in the world has felt totally ripped off at one of these exchanges when you get something so useless or cheap that you just can't bear it. I know someone who got a 'farting pen' in a gift exchange after buying a nice quality bottle of Scotch. Wow, I'm still reeling from that one. I've sent on a few Santa neckties or elf snow globes to Goodwill after these types of exchanges.
The Stealing gift exchange is just plain mean. The only people who enjoy these are the schemers and the double dealers who bought those shitty gifts or are regifting and waiting around for the three good gifts to come up so they can cheat everyone else out of something nice. There, I said it. In my opinion everyone should submit their gifts unwrapped. Everyone participating in the exchange gets to rank the submitted gifts and the person who Brought the most awesome gift, as voted on by their peers, gets to pick from the pile first. That way these schemer people can take their microwave bacon cooker or their musical elf door knocker or something equally unpalateable home with them instead of the bottle of Disaronno everyone else wanted to have a crack at.
IT'S NEVER TRULY THE END
Here's my final plea to the List Demanders out there. Treat your lists wisely. Don't over spend. Think of something nice on your own. Try out a giftless guiltless holiday season. Give what is really needed: time together, love, understanding, or if you must, something really special from one person to another.
