Coming to Terms With Something Wonderful- a look in my mind after a peek in the uterus
We had the ultrasound visit yesterday (September 23.) I have always been keen to know who exactly was going to be joining the family. I also am a firm believer that finding out the gender, if possible, is something better handled now instead of during the birthing process. I validated my desire to know if it was either Shea or Hazel that I would be refering to for the next half of this pregnancy. Let me tell you why.
As I looked up at the screen and saw a little penis that let us know that we were expecting a little boy, a gigantic tsunami of different emotions came flooding into and out of my conciousness. Quite frankly, most of the emotions were not positive. This is deffinately not the swirling bag of mixed emotions that I would love to introduce one of the most important people in my life into. I am truly grateful to have the opportunity to work through these before I start putting a 'hair shirt' on both my children.
Let me get this out of the way right now. I am very happy to be having a healthy and happy baby boy on the way. I`d be much happier with an ungulate that could walk around and graze an hour or two after birth. No seriously, I am so happy to have a healthy baby on the way. I cried when I saw a straight little spine, a healthy heart, a healthy skeleton. I cried for 2 minutes uncontrolably when I found out the baby was the perfect size and shape for the gestation time. This was the greatest gift ever for me. I felt nearly nothing when I saw it was a boy. It was more matter of fact to see a penis than it was to see Shea swallow and suck a thumb.
What I am not happy about is the onslaught of gender, equality, and social expectations and assumptions that I am now dealing with. It is not only other people's assumtions etc. that I am working through, it's my own also. I am still shocked at how strongly I feel about most of the topics I am about to delve into, especially when they appear to be so trivial to nearly everyone who has spoken to me since the ultrasound.
THE VALUE OF MALE: I have been overwhelmed at how many times I have heard this comment "I bet you are hoping for a boy." This was prevalent even for the first child, it's nearly overpowering now that I have my daughter and a second child is on the way. There seems to be, even if it's subconcious, a massive societal desire for males. I have heard the common tripe about passing on the family name, having a balance in the family unit, producing an heir, and also the less common 'it's someone for my husband to identify with' arguements. I have had countless people call, facebook, e-mail and send well wishes about the impending arrival of our son, even more so than when there was no gender assigned. What strikes me is that I never recieved any commentary about the joy of having a girl when we announced Gwenivere's gender at 20 weeks during my pregnancy with her. Not one "yay" or "hurray for girls" or "wow I bet you are relieved it's a girl" and yet I have recieved more than ten gender specific well wishes in under two hours of announcement. What does this say to me as a woman? What does this say to the girls of the world? Most importantly to me, what does this say to my daughter? Was she just the warmup for the male Ingram to come along? Will she now be treated as less valulable by other people now that there is a boy on the scene?
GENDER OF EQUALITY: I will be treating my children differently, they are two different individuals. I wonder how much gender will play a role in my assesment of their differences. I am already lamenting the fact that I kept all of my favourite dresses and frilly little frocks of Gwenivere's for the second child. I am also dreading the shopping for an entirely new wardrobe for someone who will grow faster than bamboo. Would I have the tencacity to dress Shea in the Snow White costume if that's what he choses? I think so. Would I have the tenacity to withstand the onslaught of comments from others if Shea choses the Snow White costume? I just don't know. Gwen gets to wear anything she really likes, there is no gender association in her clothes, she likes orange that's about the only preference I've seen so far. Will Shea get the opportunity to shop in both sections of Children's Place? Will I refuse to buy him jeans with sparkles or flower appliques? I am worried that Shea might never have the range of socially acceptable activities that Gwen will get. I am going to campaign to let him get to go to 'princess parties' or do anything else he wishes to do. I wonder how much of struggle he'll have. Will Sheamus feel as comfortable sharing his feelings, crying, or being sensitive around anyone else but me? How much pressure will we put on him to be manly? I'm nervous we'll all shut some doors for him that he'll never even know could have been open.
IT`S A FAMILY NOT A SEESAW: It's spectacular to see the look on people's faces when I say " I was hoping for a girl." I often get "well you have one of those already" in a nervous and often puzzled voice that I often associate with phrases like "back away slowly from the picnic table there is a bear under it." What is the obsession with one of each? This is the most shocking assumption I think every pregnant with the second child woman goes through. An astounding majority of people assume that because you have had one child that you wish for the other gender of child more than anything else. I`m over thirty so the risks of having a non-healthy child grow with each passing year. I`ll be glad to welcome whomever comes along at this point. The most disturbing thing I was asked was `would I keep the fetus if it was another girl?` I haven`t spoke to that person since. I wonder how many people think it but don`t say it. I wonder how closely Gwen and Sheamus will be with the differences that other people will see in them. Gwenivere is already learning some unpleasant habbits from social interactions with older children, teasing, taunting etc. I wonder how much she`ll pick up from people we know when her `hyper-sensitive, way to neurotic` mother isn`t around and people can finally say and act the way they really want to. Not one person has said `will you keep trying for more?` to me even though I have heard this said to many other women who have had two children of the same gender. There was the almost knee jerk assumption that one child wasn`t good enough and asked when the next one was on it`s way. The prevalence I have heard those two phrases, especially while carrying a baby or holding a newborn really hammers home our society`s desire for at least one of each gender.
I know most people are just wishing well, saying a joke, or just saying something because they feel compelled to say anything and that`s all they can think of. Still, most of it sounds like a big assed backhanded compliment to me. Just say `hurray for healthy`to me. I appreciate that for sure!
P.S. I`m not going to have him circumsized just because his daddy is. You can put that in your big ol`pipe and smoke it!
